Dear Britney,
Please get over yourself. Nobody wants to "If You Seek" you except maybe perveted old men who don't have jobs and still live in their parents' basements. All your new songs suck and you are nothing to write home about.
No love,
Me



At work we've given everybody their own celebrity names:
-I'm Sarah Jessica (sometimes Sarah Michelle, it depends if I feel like being Carrie or Buffy that day!)
Cameron is Cameron Diaz (even though Cameron is a guy, but it's okay because he wants to be Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls).
Lisa is Lisa Marie (funnily, that is actually her middle name. Guess her mom is an Elvis fan).
Kat is Catherine Zeta-Jones (even though her real name is MaryKay, not Katherine).
Julia is Julia Roberts.
Jake is Jake Gyllenhaal.
Ashley is Ashley Tisdale.
Zach (Ashley's brother) is Zac Efron.
The two activities coordinators, Lindsay and Brooke are Lindsay Lohan and Brooke Shields.

Did anyone see the Dateline interview with Britney Spears Thursday night? Seriously, I didn't know whether to feel pity for her or be disgusted, but by the end of the interview, I was the latter.

First, let's talk about her apperance, shall we? Girlfriend looked like fried shit. She was a hot mess, that's for sure. Instead of wearing something that would be appropiate for national TV, she wears a short denim skirt and a top revealing major boobage. Her hair looked fried and was this really ugly blonde color and she looked like she had clown makeup. There was a clump of mascara that looked like it was ready to fall off. But that's not the worst part! No, the worst past was that she was chewing gum!! The dumb twit was CHEWING GUM while giving an interview to Matt Lauer on national fucking televion. Idiot. If that had been me, my mom would have called me up and opened a can of whoopass on me for doing something so disgusting on TV in front of millions of people. Of course, that would never happen because a)I'm not famous and b), I don't like gum.

She kept using airquotes for the wrong words. Remember that episode of Friends wheere Joey couldn't grasp how to use air quotes? Britney totally has the same promblem. For example, she said "The tabloids have gone too [air quotes]far[/aq] with me. There were lots of other examples too, but I can't remember any.

When Lauer brought up the baby riding on her lap incident, she would just makes excuses. "I used to do that all the time with my dad! We're country!" Newsflash, Britney: driving on your dad's lap in his tractor down a dirt road (or whatever it is) is not the same as driving with your baby on your lap in your Mercedes down the Pacific Coast Highway in L.A.! She also said that she was trying to get away from the paparazzi, so it was more convientant not to strap her baby into his carseat. Bitch, if you didn't want the papparazzi around you, why don't you send someone to get your coffee for you? It just irked me that she kept making up excuses. If she had at least said, "Yes, I made a mistake and it was stupid of me, and I know never to do it again," I would've given her credit for that.

I love how she bitches and moans that the papparazzi won't leave her alone. Please, Britney, spare me. You're the one who had the reality TV series on UPN. If she really wanted privacy, she could pull a Demi Moore and move to a small town in Idaho, but noooo....she's going to live in L.A.

It appears that Britney's favorite word is the same as Katie Holmes: "Awesome!" Everything is "awesome!" Her marriage is "awesome!" (Yeah, right). Her baby is "awesome." I wished I had counted how many times she had "awesome."

I LedMAO when she said she cleans and does laundary. Yeah. Right. I bet she's only done laundary twice in her life and therefore that declares she does indeed do her own laundary.

Oh, and then after she nearly dropped her baby, there was a photo of her crying and Lauer asked her why she was crying? Instead of saying it was because she almost dropped her baby, she said it was because she was hungry? The fuck? Gosh, if that had happened to my (non-existant) baby, I would have been bawling if I had almost dropped him/her!

She made the amazing relevation that "funny people are hilarious!" when Lauer asked her about working on Will and Grace. (Funny people are hilarious? Thanks for the memo, Brits).

It's amazing how much she's changed in seven years. They showed a clip of her from '99 and she was actually cute (this was before she became really skanky) and a lot more articulate than she came off tonight. She really needs to get her shit together!

Britney looking like a lady.

Meme stolen from penny_sieve and lunalovepotter

Top fives! Give me a topic and I'll list my top 5 things. It can be anything you want.

Um, so here's something totally random. I was watching Glory Road the other night and there was a girl in it who I thought looked a lot like Ashley Banks. Turned out, it was Tatyana Ali. I haven't seen her in a long time.

Janelle got me hooked on Sudoku! She even let me borrow one of her many Sudoku books. I've been doing one stars so far. I did try a two star, but I fucked it all up. I'm so lame!

I'm currently watching the second season of Entourage on DVD and Vince bought a new house. Bob Saget is his new neighbor and he came over to introduce himself and after he left, Vince says, "Who the fuck was that guy?" While funny, I found it very unrealsitic. Please, everybody who grew up in the '80s knows Danny Tanner!

Britney, you should at least try to dress a little more appropiate if you're going to do a national interview on TV. Damn, she has really let herself go!

LOL, here are some comments that the hilarious posters of TWOP said about that stupid new UPN reality show with Britney and Kevin.

( Read on for hilarity )

LOL with the release of Britney Spear's latest CD this week, it took me down memory lane and I looked at her older songs that Mandy and I spoofed. LOL those were some good times. Most of the songs we spoofed were from her first two CDs, and a couple from her third CD because we wrote these a couple of years ago. Most of them (well, all) are Rated R. Here are some of my favorites:

Oops!...I Fucked You Again!
(Mandy/ Sara)

Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah

I think I fucked you again
I don't know, if it's Tom or Ben
Oh daddy
You might have been up my butt
It doesn't mean that I grabbed your nuts
'Cause I don't have any senses
That is just typically me
Oh pimp daddy

Oops!... I fucked you again
I played with your parts
got lost in my game
Oh pimp daddy
Oops!... you think
I'm a slut
You touched me above
I'm not that innocent

You see my problem is this
You've grabbed me away
Wishing that pimps, they
truly resist
I cry, watching the days
But you see I'm a slut in more
than one way
But to lose all my senses
that is just so typically me
oh pimp daddy

Oops!... I fucked you again
I played with your parts
got lost in my game
oh pimp daddy
Oops!... you think I'm a slut
You touched me above
I'm not that innocent

Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah

"All pimps and sluts aboard!"
"Slutney before you go, theres something I want you to do"
"Oh, but I've already sucked your balls"
"Do it again, ho!"
"But I thought the old lady already did that to you"
"Well, baby, I'm a pimp"
"Oh, you're so sweet."

Oops!... I fucked you again
to your parts
Got lost, in my game
oh baby
Oops!..you think I'm a slut
from above
I'm not that innocent

Oops!... I fucked you again
I played with your parts
Got lost in my game
Oh pimp daddy
Oops!... you think I'm a slut
You touched me above
I'm not that innocent

Slutty (This is one of my personal favorites)
by: Mandy & Sara

This is a story about a thing
named... Slutty

Early morning,
She wakes up
Hung over from the night before
It's time for fucking,
older guys
It's you they all wanna do,
they go...
"Isn't she slutty, this
whore of a girl?"
And they say...

She's so slutty, she's a whore
but she fucks, fucks, fucks
everyone in sight, thinking
If theres no one, I can not
fuck right
They why can't get some tonight

Lost in a ho house,
in a room
But theres no one there
for her to screw
And she keeps on sucking, while
shes also fucking
But tell me what happens when
she stops?
They go...
"Isn't she slutty, this
whore of a girl?"
And they say...

She's so slutty, she's a whore
but she fucks, fucks, fucks
everyone in sight, thinking
If theres no one, I can
not fuck right
Then why can't I get some tonight

"Best ho, and the
winner is... Slutney!"
"I'm Pimp Daddy for Fuckers
R Us standing outside the
arena waiting for Slutney!"
Oh, my God... here
she comes!"

Isn't she slutty, this
whore of a girl?
She is so slutty, but why does
she fuck?
If there is no one who'll
do her for a buck.
Why do her legs
spread at night?

She's so slutty, she's a whore
but she fucks, fucks, fucks
everyone in sight, thinking
If theres no one, I can
not fuck right
Then why can't I get some tonight

Spank Me Justin One More Time (Obviously this was written when Britney and Justin were still together).
by Mandy & Sara

Oh Justin, Justin
How was I supposed
to blow
Nothing was
right there
Oh Justin, Justin
You shouldn't have
licked my hole
And now your baby's not here
Show me what you
want to be see
Tell me Justin 'cause I
need to blow now,
oh because

My sluttiness is
killing me
I must confess You've
touched me
When you're not with me
I rub my hole
Give me a sign
Spank me Justin
one more time

Oh Justin, Justin
The reason I suck
is you
Boy you've made
me horny
Oh pimpy Justin
theres no one that I
wouldn't blow
It's just the way I go
Show me how you
wanna do me
Tell me Justin
'cause I need to go and
fuck myself

My sluttiness is
killing me
I must confess You've
touched me
When you're not with me
I rub my hole
Give me a sign
Spank me Justin one
more time

Oh Justin, Justin how was
I supposed to be a ho
Oh Justin, Justin, I
shouldn't have
rubbed my hole
I must confess, that
my sluttiness
Is making me blow
Don't you know I
swing to go
and lick a dick
And Give Me A Sign
Rub me Justin
one more time

My sluttiness is
killing me
I must confess You've
touched me
When you're not with me
I rub my hole
Give me a sign
Spank me Justin
more time

Uglier (Another one of my favorites)
Ooh hey, yeah
Man, I’m ugly
There’s nothing you can do or say, oh no
To change my way
I have a fake tan and my hair is bleached, uh huh
You might think that I ‘m an untalented ho
But now I’m…

Uglier than yesterday
I’m nothing but a skank ho
My slutiness is corrupting me oh yeah
I’m uglier
That I ever thought that I could be, uh huh
I used to brush my hair
And now I tan all the time
You might think that I can’t sing a note, you’re right
‘Cause now I’m…

Uglier than yesterday
I’m nothing but a skank ho
My slutiness is corrupting me oh yeah
I’m uglier

Come on, now
Oh, yeah
Here I go, I’m a ho
I don’t need nobody, I’m so ugly
Here I go, I’m a ho, yeah
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go, alright, I’m a ho!

Uglier than yesterday
I’m nothing but a skank ho
My slutiness is corrupting me oh yeah
I’m uglier

Uglier than yesterday
I’m nothing but a skank ho
My slutiness is corrupting me oh yeah
I’m uglier

I am so (Slutty)

Justin, I'm so into you
You got that pimpin’, what can I do
Justin, you’re my pimp daddy
I’m a skanky ho, who just wants to fuck you
Every time you touch me there
I want to fuck you, I don’t give a care
Pimpin’ you means so much more
More than anything I ever felt before

I am so slutty
I’m such a skank
I’m just a hooker on the street
Ooh ...slutty, But it feels so right
Justin, thinkin of you makes me touch myself

Tell Me, do you touch yourself
That I'm the only one you will bang
Tell me, I can’t sing a dang
That i'm not wastin, my pimpin on you
Pimpin’ you means so much more
More than anything I ever felt before

I am so slutty
I’m such a skank
I’m just a hooker on the street
Ooh ...slutty, But it feels so right
Justin, thinkin of you makes me touch myself

Slutty, I’m such a ho
I'm so hookeris, I want to blow
Slutty, But it feels so right
Every Day and Every Night

I am so slutty
I’m such a skank
I’m just a hooker on the street
Ooh ...slutty, But it feels so right
Justin, thinkin of you makes me touch myself

I am so slutty (I am so slutty uh huh)
Ohh..slutty, But It Feels so right
Justin thinkin of you makes me touch myself
Justin thinkin of you makes me touch myself

Dear Pimp Daddy

Dear Pimp Daddy
Today I saw a slut
I looked in the mirror and shook my butt
And saw a little cunt

Dear Pimp Daddy
I can’t sing at all one note
And it scares me
'Cause I sound like such a goat
Everyone in the world
Knows that I can’t sing at all
So pimp daddy I'll confide in you

Dear Pimp Daddy
Today I saw a boy
As he hurried by I thought he flipped me off
And I wondered
Does he know that I’m a fake
I tried to sing, but I don’t know how
Should I tell him I’m a ho
Or would that scare him away
Pimp Daddy, tell me what to do
Please tell me how to play

Dear Pimp Daddy
His hand on my ass
Now I can't wait to feel that boy again
He ran off
And I thought I’d pimp so more
Pimp Daddy, do you think that we'll be more than pimps?
I've got a feeling we'll be so much more

Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Blow

The pimps say I’m such a good ho
And that I’m the best at suck and blow
They say I’m the best prostitute

But I need to fuck you right away
I don’t care if you’re straight or you’re gay
I've been waiting for so long it hurts
I wanna hear you say you want me

Don't, don't let me be the last to blow
Don't hold back, just let it go
I need to hear you say
You need me to suck you
Oh, if you blow me too
Don't let me be the last to blow

Your genitalia tastes good
Yeah, I feel your liquid in my mouth
But til' you let me blow it's not enough
C'mon and tell me I can blow you

Don't, don't let me be the last to blow
Don't hold back, just let it go
I need to hear you say
You need me to suck you
Oh, if you blow me too
Don't let me be the last to blow

C'mon baby, c'mon daddy, ooh yeah
C'mon, let me be the one
C'mon now, oh yeah

I need to hear you say
I blow you all the way
And I don't wanna wait another day
I wanna blow the way you blow
Oh, c'mon

Don't, just let me be the one
Don't hold back, just let it go
I need to hear you say
You need me to suck you
So…baby, if you’re a pimp
Don't let me be the last to blow

Pimpy Pop

Ooh-Ooh
Ah, here we go now

Like a great pimp, all my whorish women are call girls
We're pimin' bout the great masturbation as pimped we chose

Screw a pimpy pop, watch it explode and fizz
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop (can't stop now)
Screwin a pimpy pop, bop, shu-bop
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop

We might start fucking to the music tonight
Another way to screw you, oh
My pimp keeps screwing like I’m wet and slutty
So touch me on my bony ass

Screw a pimpy pop, watch it explode and fizz
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop (can't stop now)
Screwin a pimpy pop, bop, shu-bop
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop

Ooh-Ooh
I have a pimp, I have a really good pimp
To fuck my ass hard (hard)
To fuck my ass again (ooh-yeah) See
Where ya ba-do for a slutty call girl like me, yeah
My ass is aching for you, oh yeah, so

Screw a pimpy pop, watch it explode and fizz
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop (can't stop now)
Screwin a pimpy pop, bop, shu-bop
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop

So much fucking we’re doing now, screwing my ass
So roll over now baby, let me be on the top (let me be on the top)
No one else will screw, I'm pimping for you
So show me what you got, just take a pimp shot
And we will never stop shu-bop, shu-bop

Screw a pimpy pop, watch it explode and fizz
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop (can't stop now)
Screwin a pimpy pop, bop, shu-bop
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop

New positions are always welcome for me to try
And fucking you 'til we drop (we drop, ah, we drop yeah)
We'll screw tonight until we break down the bed (oh yeah)
The fucking won't ever stop, so

Screw a pimpy pop, watch it explode and fizz
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop (can't stop now)
Screwin a pimpy pop, bop, shu-bop
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop

I bet you we can pimp like we've never popped it before
Why we keep coming back for more and more for sure (sure)
It's cool Slutney when we get down on the floor yeah
And we fuck on and on until the break of dawn

Screw a pimpy pop, watch it explode and fizz
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop (can't stop now)
Screwin a pimpy pop, bop, shu-bop
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop

All we gotta do is just
Screw a pimpy pop, watch him fizz and pop (oh yeah)
My pimp is screwing and I can't stop.

My Only Wish (This Year)

Last night I took a walk in the snow
Being slutty, looking like a ho
Seems like every call girl but me is in business
Pimp Daddy, can you hear me?

I haven’t had any work for a year
Every guy runs away in fear
I know exactly what I want this year
Pimp Daddy, can you hear me?

I want my pimp daddy, daddy
I want someone to fuck me
Fuck me, fuck me (fuck me, fuck me)
I’ll do anything to please my pimp man

Pimp Daddy can you hear me?
I have been a ho every year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my pimp man is here
He’s all I want, just for me
Underneath my silk bed sheets
I’ll be waiting here
Pimp Daddy that’s my only wish this year

Being a ho, I don’t sleep
I always let my pimps take a peek
Cause I like to show off my body
Pimp Daddy can you hear me?

I really like when you touch me there
And I like to touch you back, you know where
Oh please make me orgasm
Pimp Daddy can you hear me?

I want my pimp daddy, daddy
I want someone to fuck me
Fuck me, fuck me (fuck me, fuck me)
I’ll do anything to please my pimp man

I want my pimp daddy, daddy
I want someone to fuck me
Fuck me, fuck me (fuck me, fuck me)
I’ll do anything to please my pimp man

Pimp Daddy can you hear me?
I have been a ho every year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my pimp man is here
He’s all I want, just for me
Underneath my silk bed sheets
I’ll be waiting here
Pimp Daddy that’s my only wish this year

I hope I make all my pimps very pleased
I like to pleasure them, be a tease
I’m so good at being a ho
I please myself even when I’m alone
Nothing’s better than my pimp daddy

Pimp Daddy can you hear me?
I have been a ho every year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my pimp man is here
He’s all I want, just for me
Underneath my silk bed sheets
I’ll be waiting here
Pimp Daddy that’s my only wish this year

(Oh Pimp Daddy, can you hear me?)

A pimp’s all I want for me
Underneath my silk bed sheets
I'll be waiting here
Pimp Daddy that's my only wish this year

Pimp Daddy that's my only wish this year

I am a Slut, But More a Call Girl

I used to think that I could be a pimp daddy’s ho
But now I know
That not all those pimp guys want a go
Feels like I'm caught between the sheets
That's when I realize.......

I am a Slut, But More a Call Girl
All I need is sex, a client that is mine
While I’m on the bed
I am a slut

There’s a need to protect yourself
From STDs
My body holds vile diseases
I have so much more than you can count
But I give good service, no doubt

I am a Slut, But More a Call Girl
All I need is sex, a client that is mine
While I’m on the bed
I am a slut

But if you look at me closely
You will see that I have crabs
From screwing so many clients

I am a Slut, But More a Call Girl
All I need is sex, a client that is mine
While I’m on the bed
I am a slut

(I am a slut) I am a slut, don’t tell me I’m a singer
(But more a call girl) I’m just trying to find the sluttness in me, yeah
(All I need is sex) Oh, all I need is sex
(A client that is mine) That’s mine
While in on the bed
I am a slut, ooh
But more a call girl

I Love Guys Who Pimp

Hey, am I a slut?

I saw him pimping there by the dirty latrine
I knew he must have been a really good shag
The beat was going strong, playing my favorite song
I could tell it wouldn't be long
'Til he was with me, yeah with me
I could tell it wouldn't be long
'Til he was with me, yeah with me, fucking

I love guys who pimp
So keep on pimping me till I say stop, baby
I love guys who pimp
So come and take the time and shag with me

He pimped me, so I got up and asked for his name
"But that don't matter," he said, "'cause it's all the same."
He said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"
And next we were movin' on
And he was on me, yeah on me
And we were movin' on and pimping at the same time
Yeah with me, fucking

I love guys who pimp
So keep on pimping me till I say stop, baby
I love guys who pimp
So come and take the time and shag with me

He said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"
And next we were movin' on
And he was on me, yeah on me
And we were movin' on and pimping at the same time
Yeah with me, fucking

I love guys who pimp
So keep on pimping me till I say stop, baby
I love guys who pimp
So come and take the time and shag with me


HEE! I'M FUNNY!